A pirates death for me.

At one point I loved the Pirates franchise. My expectations were surpassed along with the world’s after the first movie defied all odds and ended up being one of the better adventure movies of the last 20 years. The trilogy didn’t quite stick the landing like most, but overall it was fun.

Then I watched that fourth one. I remember that much. I watched it.

But I remember nothing about it.

I saw Penélope Cruz on a poster after riding Pirates of the Caribbean and only then did I remember she was in On Stranger Tides. There was also some bland doe-eyed guy and girl replacing Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley without an ounce of either’s charisma. I think it was about the Fountain of Youth and had a mermaid in it.

With that said, we bring you the first trailer for Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales!

Well, that’s a trailer.

It’s dark and slow motion-y with CG embers in the air. Our new bland doe-eyed lead is asked to deliver a message to Jack Sparrow by a gleefully campy Javier Bardem as Captain Salazar. And that’s it.

I can’t get too excited as of yet. The last movie is a half a billion dollar example of prodigality. It’s completely devoid of anything memorable and is non-existent in our pop culture landscape. Despite Depp returning along with Orlando Bloom and Geoffrey Rush, there’s a lot that the wonderfully titled Dead Men Tell No Tales must accomplish. Telling a tale worthy of another movie is chief among them.

Here’s the official teaser poster.



Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales opens in theaters May 2017 in 3D, RealD 3D and IMAX 3D.

Heath Scott

Heath Scott

His love of most things in entertainment can be summed up by having an English Bulldog named Spielberg and consistently asking if it's Halloween yet.

    hscott has 148 posts and counting.See all posts by hscott