FIFTY SHADES DARKER FULL TRAILER MASQUERADES ITSELF AS A SEQUEL

Here’s the full trailer to Fifty Shades Darker, the sequel to the worst film of 2015!

I saw Fifty Shades of Grey on the worst Valentine’s weekend of my life. I was looking forward to it in the sense that hopefully it would be a really fun kind of bad movie and also that it would be raunchy AF. I’d been hearing as much from literally every person that read the book for the last few years in between picking their kids up at day-care and soccer practice, so I was super stoked.

Flash forward to after the movie and it wasn’t really much of… anything. It was so tame compared to everything that I had heard it would be, but above everything it was boring and so incredibly slow. My favorite scene is the negotiation between Christian Grey, played with complete lack of charisma by Jamie Dornan (Henry Cavill lite), and Anastasia Steele (lulz) played by Dakota Johnson. If my hazy memory serves me correctly, and I apologize that I will not re-watch that scene or give it a Google, I believe Anastasia said something about butt plugs and how it was a definite NO. Smart girl, well, in that one moment at least.

Later she’s tied up ready to submit to creepy billionaire guy and she says something like, “Do your worst to me.” and I was like, “Awwww shit, here comes the butt plug. Maybe this is what all the people have been talking about?!” And then Christian Grey lightly smacks her butt or something. I’m impressed that I didn’t fall asleep, which is how I felt watching these two minutes of the Fifty Shades Darker trailer.

The sequel looks like it’s falling into the trope of repeating the same formula as the original (Home Alone 2, The Hangover Part II). The consensus I got from those die hard fans of the books was not like the Twihard fanbase that pledged undying loyalties to the shitty books and shitty movies. The Fifty Shades fans were like, “Ehhhhh… Yeah.” In a day and age where most things get a pass that says something. This trailer for the sequel should have done something really different and reinvigorated even people like myself that could have had a reason to go see this even on a masochistic level. But no, Fifty Shades Darker even uses the same damn song in the trailer as last time but with Miguel singing it instead of Beyoncé.

I like more than enough tripe, but give me something to talk about. We’re going to post a piece tomorrow (here it is!) where I honestly made a dumbass mistake and wrote up a post on this trailer… only it was a fan made trailer instead. What came from that, despite the trailer not being good at all, were genuine reactions of excitement and intrigue. None of that exists in the official trailer.

Fifty Shades Darker opens February 10th, just in time to bore you to sleep with your significant other. Here’s the poster for those interested:

fifty-shades-darker-poster-ipc

Heath Scott
His love of most things in entertainment can be summed up by having an English Bulldog named Spielberg and consistently asking if it’s Halloween yet.
Heath Scott

Heath Scott

His love of most things in entertainment can be summed up by having an English Bulldog named Spielberg and consistently asking if it's Halloween yet.

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