Throw away the key. You don’t want to see what’s behind the door. The puns are far too easy and plentiful… This movie sucks.

“So what are you going to do tonight?” Brian asked. “I’m going to go see The Disappointments Room.” I replied. “What’s that about?” he followed up with. “Your bedroom.” So plentiful!

It’s apparent why nobody is buzzing about this movie after seeing it. Only two weeks ago I saw the trailer for The Disappointments Room.

Nothing in that trailer made me want to rush out and see this so why did I go opening night? And why did I drag four lovely people with me and have them endure this? Two reasons. Wentworth Miller and D.J. Caruso.

Wentworth Miller (The Flash, Legends of Tomorrow, Prison Break) wrote The Disappointments Room. The wonderful Stoker directed by Chan-wook Park is his only other writing credit. Stoker is an amazing film. Directed effortlessly by Park and with a haunting script by Miller. What was next for him as a writer? Seeing Wentworth’s name on the trailer credits literally made me perk up. This was it! But Stoker and The Disappointments Room could not be farther apart. Why? Wentworth Miller’s script was re-written enough by director D.J. Caruso that he earned a co-writer title. And this damned the film. There’s no other reason for such a drop off in quality after the sharp nuance that Stoker gave us. It’s worth noting that Miller has not mentioned the existence of this movie, apparently written by him, on any of his social media accounts.

D.J. Caruso (Disturbia, Eagle Eye) is the second reason. Disturbia is the modern teenage version of Rear Window and something I appreciate. It’s easily his best film. The success of Disturbia also led to his biggest feature, Eagle Eye and his second team up with the then not batshit insane Shia LaBeouf. Despite the inclusion of Michelle Monaghan, Eagle Eye is forgettable. What happened to Caruso after that? I Am Number Four shit the bed, he directed some television, then a movie called Standing Up that I haven’t seen and probably never will.

The Disappointments Room has none of the skill that was present in Disturbia and– well, Disturbia. Why? There’s no good answer. Consequently his next film is xXx The Return of Zander Cage and seems like more of a fit for his storytelling prowess. Xander Cage skateboards down a mountain and rides a dirt bike on water while using it to surf an ocean wave in the trailer. I’m seeing the hell out of that movie.

The Disappointments Room is a disaster on every level. The vapidness in the performances, the story, and the attempted nuance is stunning. I haven’t seen a major studio release with worst performances from an entire cast in my life. Stranger Things gave us a whole cast of child actors giving great performances. Millie Bobby Brown y’all. So it’s good to be reminded of how horrible a child’s performance can be by the kid in The Disappointments Room. The husband David (Mel Raido) may as well have been played by Tommy Wiseau. Damn. I wish he was Tommy Wiseau. Trying so hard to act and be the funny guy, Raido single-handedly keeps The Disappointments Room from ever getting the desperate momentum it needs during its first act. The second and third acts would still have tarnished any good performances, but without anything to truly grasp the audience throughout the entire running time, heads began to nod.

Details and common sense? The Disappointments Room doesn’t give a shit about those. Like what you ask? Ever break a ghosts neck? How about inexplicably putting a red neon sign for fresh donuts on the wall in the middle of a fucking victorian dining room. That one bit of randomness is what the five of us talked about most after leaving the theater. Maybe Caruso has stock in Krispy Kreme?

This was dropped in the dreaded month of September releases where nothing is really expected to perform. Kids are back in school, there’s hurricanes, and people are more about pumpkin spice lattes and a new football season than movies right now. With the lack of marketing presence and this release date, it’s obvious that the studio didn’t have any faith in this one.

The Disappointments Room isn’t weird, scary, or fun enough to be worth a watch in theaters or at all. The only way I didn’t fall asleep was due to the company surrounding me and the giant slushy and popcorn within arms reach.

Heath Scott

Heath Scott

His love of most things in entertainment can be summed up by having an English Bulldog named Spielberg and consistently asking if it's Halloween yet.

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